your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
