9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
