Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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