i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
