She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
