If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
