Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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