I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
