worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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