U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I just gift wrapped bread.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
