and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
you had me at cake vodka
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
