K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Randomize
