I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I have aggressive nipples.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
