just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
