I could have mohawked her pubes.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
