my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
