I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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