booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
