Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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