can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
