maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
