So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
