I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
