So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
