Can i not drive my cunt home
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
