Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
