everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Boobs are out for the taking
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Randomize
