I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
