not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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