My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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