Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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