Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
