i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
