Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
