You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Randomize
