Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
