I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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