I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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