I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
