Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
