A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
