You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
