i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
