I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I didn't notice because vodka
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
