You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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