You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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