final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
