I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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