Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
