Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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